So it's the last few hours of 2015 and now is the time I start to have a little think about what I have done over the past year and what I would like to do better this time round. I have screwed my face up at the stuff I didn't like and wondered how the fuck I made it out of bed some days. I have pondered questions such as 'Do I actually like mince pies anymore?' 'Will I ever pay my credit card off?' 'Will I visit the hat museum in Stockport?' 'Is living in a canal boat the thing that is missing in my life?' This time last year I wrote a list of all the stuff I wanted to do. I hoped to update it as each month went along and give myself a running commentary about how good I was to do those things. This stopped as abruptly as it started as I realised that I just can't be that efficient and things will start to happen when they need to.
My brain works at a peculiar pace. This pace will pick up in times of anxiety and I will then hoover for an hour, have a think and feel a lot better. Tell me that I have to edit important pictures or some other very important thing and you can hear the sound of the car door closing as I go for a three hour drive to collect shells off the beach. I have found that I've completed tasks that needed to be done for other things to happen and then all of the happenings start to come together at once. I feel a lot lighter and a lot calmer going into this year. I have no regrets and this is good.
I scaled down my letters, took more time for myself and let myself get swept up in nice things which I had spent so long telling myself I shouldn't do. I will be continuing this. I went to the beach the other day and I shouted very loudly to myself and to the empty beach 'Do you know what? Fuck it and all of the shit that goes with it' I felt a lot better. I am very easily burgeoned with angst and upset, that and I'm 33 and a half and still feel 15 in my head. Maybe I think too much. I have missed out on lots of things due to grief, anxiety, indecisiveness and just not feeling like I could do things but also I think I was going through the brain motions in order to feel better again.
I did have a nice Christmas and chased the sun around the house when it came out. Some big things happened and I have started my degree again which is hurting my head slightly but this is OK also. I understand after a long time why I do certain things and why my head is full of colour and images and sound constantly and why I have to go to places to see them, hear them and feel them and that's good enough for me. This past year I have met some lovely people, lost some and started new friendships that I never expected to. I'm going to keep writing as I need to, keep taking pictures as it is what I do and keep collecting things if ever so slightly less than before.
I have sent out and received so much lovely post throughout December. I have lots to show so I will do it in separate bits as well as a Penny Club update, as it starts all over again tomorrow.
So we made it and tomorrow will be half price calendar day at the garden centre and this is always good. Have a nice safe evening whatever you are up to and thank you for helping me get 'it' back this past year and I will hopefully see you in the post office queue with Barbara from up the road. There's always a Barbara in the post office.